I hate the fact that I can't hate you
by whohasamonkey
Summary: Sasuke hated Naruto for worrying about him. He hated Naruto for caring. He hated Naruto for not pushing him like he used to.


**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto. Kakashi would be half naked if I did.**

**Warning: Some light boy love, and mentions of suicide**

**Spoilers: None**

**Themes: #5 from 20loves Community. Please visit it. Link in profile.**

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**I hate the fact that I can't hate you**

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After so many years, and twice as many battles it was all over. Promises had been kept, people were happy again. At least that was what the public believed. The last heir to the Uchiha clan had come home, and not on his own accord. He had been forced home. Details were kept secret. There were a lot of secrets around Sasuke these days. No one knew how Naruto had managed to get him back, why he had left in the first place, or why he wasn't an active ninja anymore. As far as the public knew Sasuke had been kidnapped and Naruto had simply rescued him.

How little the public knew.

Why did Sasuke leave? To gain power so he could kill his brother. How had Naruto managed to get him back? By killing everyone in his path, including Orochimaru and Itachi. He then beat Sasuke within an inch of his life. Why was Sasuke not an active ninja? Because Tsunade didn't trust him.

Plain and simple.

She placed Sasuke under surveillance. She forced Sasuke to live with Naruto in his small apartment. She banned him from using weapons or jutsu's. Then just to ensure he followed the rules she made him she placed a seal on the back of his neck that would cause him extreme pain every time he channeled any chakra. She wasn't a totally evil about it either. The seal was designed to not look like a seal, but more like a tattoo. That way people wouldn't ask questions instead they would just admire it from afar.

Still having his chakra sealed away wasn't the hardest adjustment for Sasuke. He had no need to use it anymore. His goal in life, the one person he wanted dead had already been killed. Now all he had to look forward to was his own death. But that didn't scare him. No, the hardest adjustment was living with Naruto. He never really understood how Naruto could come home day after day and act like everything was okay.

Everything was not okay. It was far from okay; it was the opposite of okay. It was wrong.

Sasuke's first week with Naruto, he tried to kill Naruto. He had found an old dull kunai and tried to stab Naruto with it. Naruto had woken up, disarmed Sasuke and tossed the kunai out the window. Sasuke waited for Naruto to scream at him, to run out the door and tell someone. To hurt him, maybe if the gods smiled upon Sasuke, kill him. But Naruto did none of that. Instead he went to back to bed, told Sasuke to shower or something and get some sleep.

A month after that Sasuke tried to take his own life. He had filled the tub with water and tried to fall asleep in it. After a few seconds under the water Naruto had pulled him out. Sasuke was so dazed he didn't even fight Naruto as he dried him. It wasn't until Naruto was dressing him that he realized Naruto looked panicked. He was shaking profusely and was on the verge of hyperventilating. Sasuke tried to push Naruto's hands away, but Naruto ignored it.

"Promise me you won't do that again." Sasuke stood completely still. He wasn't quite sure how to react to that. Naruto stopped messing with his clothes and looked Sasuke directly in the eyes. What Sasuke saw scared him. It scared him right down to his core, which he thought had died along with Itachi. "Promise me."

"Promise you what?"

"That you won't leave me again."

How could Sasuke promise him that? He wanted nothing more than to leave. He wanted to leave this faux happiness that Naruto tried to create. He wanted to leave Konoha, a place of false villains and dead hero's. This place, this person brought Sasuke nothing but hurtful memories. They were a constant reminder of his bad deeds. Of his wrongdoings. Of how he could never fix it all. Of how badly he wanted to fix it all. How could he not promise Naruto this one simple thing?

"Alright."

Sasuke was amazed at how that one simple word calmed Naruto so much. Sasuke hated how simple it was. One word, that was all it took. One word. If he had known that he might have done that years ago before things got ugly. Before he messed things up to bad. Before he was evil.

Was he even evil now?

He didn't know, and frankly didn't care. But he knew what was evil, being forced to live like this was evil. Being forced to live with Naruto, being forced to be a citizen, being forced to live period. Maybe for Naruto's sake he would live. Not have a life, but just live. Because that would make Naruto happy, and that was the least he could do.

Still it was hard. Everyday Naruto would come home, announce his presence in a cheerful voice and start dinner. He would engage in a one sided conversation with Sasuke, eat, wash the dishes, shower and go to bed. He never questioned why Sasuke didn't clean, or cook. He never asked Sasuke why he didn't buy groceries. He didn't even yell at Sasuke for sleeping in his bed.

And Sasuke hated him for that. He hated Naruto for not yelling at him, for not forcing him to do something. For not being the Naruto he knew all those years ago. It was at those moments that Sasuke would wonder if maybe he had killed Naruto all those years ago. If the Naruto he had known was long gone and dead. If maybe that was why Naruto didn't want him to leave, because it would kill him again.

That only made Sasuke hate Naruto even more.

How dare Naruto put so much of his hopes into him? Did Naruto not know what Sasuke was capable of? Did he forget about all the times he tried to kill him? Of all the heartache? Did he just forget everything?

Did he not care?

Sasuke berated himself for even thinking that Naruto still cared. No, Naruto didn't yell at him because it would create problems. It would make things more difficult. It would make it seem like everything was normal. Yes, that was why he did it.

But somehow that didn't make him feel any better.

"I have to leave on a mission."

Sasuke didn't look away from the window. He knew Naruto was waiting him to turn around. He could hear Naruto rubbing his toe into the ground.

"I might be gone for a few days."

"How many?"

"Three at most."

Sasuke suspected that Naruto expected him to say more from how heavy the room felt. But there really wasn't anything to say. So Naruto wouldn't be home. That was fine. Sasuke could fend for himself. He knew there would probably be Anbu stationed all around the apartment complex making sure he didn't do anything stupid. Maybe being home alone would be nice. He wouldn't have to deal with Naruto's fake happiness.

Wait did he just think of this hellhole as home?

Sasuke punched the arm of the chair. This was not his home. His home was where his mother, father and fake brother lived. It was a happy place from his childhood. It was not this small, cramped apartment he shared with Naruto. This was not a home. This was a prison, a hellhole, a punishment.

"Sasuke you okay?"

He hated the underlining worry in Naruto's voice. No scratch that, he hated Naruto's voice.

"Shut up."

"Sasuke?"

"Just leave me alone."

"Oh. Okay then."

Sasuke hated Naruto for worrying about him. He hated Naruto for caring. He hated Naruto for not pushing him like he used to.

He heard Naruto gather his equipment and leave the apartment. He didn't even say goodbye. Which was fine since Sasuke didn't wish him luck.

The days seemed to blend together after that. Sasuke wasn't sure when one day ended and one began. The apartment didn't get dirtier, but it also didn't get cleaner. Sasuke made only enough food to feed himself. He still slept in the bed, still took his showers, still dirtied a few articles of clothing. Nothing had really changed, except for the absence of Naruto.

On what seemed like the second day there was a knock on the door. Sasuke didn't feel like talking to anyone, so he ignored it. But whoever it was didn't leave. They just kept knocking. He heard some talking to someone else outside.

"Sasuke open the door I know you're there."

Of course she would know he was there. The Hokage knew everything. Reluctantly Sasuke opened the door for her. He didn't bother offering her anything. He didn't even wait for her to enter before taking a seat himself. Tsunade closed the door, but didn't sit down.

"Naruto's mission failed. We don't know if he survived or not. Until we're sure you are to stay here."

Sasuke looked out the window. It was such a beautiful day. Not a cloud in the sky. "What if he's dead?"

"I follow his will."

Sasuke laughed quietly. He never thought Naruto would be the kind of person to have a will. He didn't have enough possessions to have a will. "What does it say?'

"All his possessions go to you. It also states that no one is allowed to harm you. If anyone does harm you, I am to punish them."

"You don't need to worry about that. No one wants to do that."

Sasuke was surprised when Tsunade started to laugh. He turned to glare at her. He hadn't said anything funny.

"Do you know what he does for you? Yes the civilians of the village don't want to hurt you, because they don't know. But the majority of the ninja's in the village want you dead. Naruto keeps them away. Most of the security around you is to protect you from them, not the other way around."

As Tsunade stomped out of the apartment, Sasuke turned to look out the window again. So people wanted to kill him. Nothing new there. But why would Naruto go so far to protect him? Naruto shouldn't care. Naruto should let them kill him. He wanted them to kill him.

'Promise me you won't leave.'

That was why. Sasuke had promised Naruto. He almost started laughing out loud at the thought. He didn't need to keep the promise. He could easily break it. No one would care, except for Naruto. But Sasuke had already hurt him so many times that it didn't really matter anymore. Nothing mattered anymore.

Sasuke looked around the kitchen for a while before he found a fork. He took the fork with him to bed, where he sat with his back to the headboard. He placed the fork at his wrists and hesitated. Frustrated with himself he pointed the fork at the side of his throat. But again he hesitated. After a few seconds he threw the fork at the wall.

"Fuck."

Maybe he could burn himself to death. Without thinking Sasuke put his hands together and started to form seals. He was almost done when blinding, white pain shot through his entire body. Sasuke twisted his body from the pain causing him too fall off the bed. From the floor Sasuke concentrated on controlling his breathing. No sense in passing out from hyperventilating. When he was confident he wouldn't throw up, Sasuke slowly got to his feet. From the corner of his eye he saw an Anbu member jump away from the window. Looks like they were actually doing their job.

Carefully Sasuke dragged the chair closer to the window. He opened the curtains as much as he could and opened the window. He sat down in the chair and pressed his knees to his chest. It really was a beautiful day. Not a cloud in the sky. A totally perfect day. Maybe that was why he couldn't' press the fork into his skin. He couldn't taint such a lovely day.

Maybe it was because he couldn't do that to Naruto.

When the sun finally set, Sasuke closed the window and the curtains. He sat down on the couch and waited. He wasn't what he was waiting for though. It occurred to him as he sat there how truly quiet the apartment was. Naruto was usually noisy when he came home. Naruto was usually home by now.

Without thinking about it, Sasuke got up and started to clean. He washed the few dirty dishes there were. He wiped down the counter and even got down on his knees and scrubbed the floor. From the kitchen he moved to the dining room slash living room. He scrubbed, cleaned, organized, and even washed all the laundry. By the time he was done it was already another perfect day.

He didn't sleep. He just opened the curtain and window like the day before and sat there. He didn't eat either. He spent the whole day sitting in front of the window. This he kept track of the days. He sat there for three days before an Anbu member forced him to eat. Sasuke knew who the member was too. Not very many ninja's had pale skin and long black hair.

When Sasuke was alone again, he went back to his window. Then three days later Neji would come back and force Sasuke to eat again. After the third time, Tsunade paid him a visit again.

"We haven't found his body, but all the information points to his death."

"He's an idiot."

"I see you cleaned up in here. It looks good."

"Leave." Sasuke was surprised when she didn't argue with him. But at the door she stopped long enough to tell him one last thing.

"He wouldn't like to see you starving yourself."

Sasuke wanted to hit her. He wanted to hurt her for saying that. He wanted to hurt something, someone, anyone. He was angry with her for telling him Naruto was dead, he wanted to kill Naruto for dieing, and he wanted to hurt himself for caring. Instead he kept it all inside and went back to his window.

His window, how strange. Yesterday it was Naruto's window.

When night came Sasuke decided to explore the apartment. He looked through the closet. There was nothing but bright clothes and black clothes. No middle ground. All of it Naruto's. Sasuke looked through Naruto's dresser drawers. There were dozens of boxers, one pair of socks, some undershirts, and scrolls. In the bottom drawer though was one item. Sasuke's old forehead protector. The fabric was tattered and old. The metal was slashed and cracked in a few places.

Why had Naruto kept this?

Sasuke put the protector back in the drawer. He then closed the closet and went back to his window. He felt guilty for having looked through Naruto's things. But it shouldn't matter anymore. Naruto was dead.

For the next couple weeks, Sasuke did feed himself. He got some rest, went grocery shopping, and did the laundry. He did all the things Naruto used to do. But there were things he did that no one else knew. Sometimes he would hear a whisper of Naruto's voice in the air. Other times he would see yellow hair reflected in the bathroom mirror. He swore someone kept using Naruto's toothbrush. The couch never quite looked the way it did the night before. But Sasuke didn't pay too much attention to it all. He blamed it on being too observant.

He wouldn't sit on the couch anymore. Naruto used to sleep there. He didn't throw out Naruto's old toothbrush or shampoo. He kept all his clothes in the closet and dresser. He would buy cup ramen, keep it in the shelf for a week, throw it away and then buy some more. He wasn't quite sure why he did those things. But whenever he stopped to think about it he would get angry with himself. Most of the blame he placed on Naruto. It was Naruto's fault for his strange behavior. It was Naruto's fault he had to carry the burden of carrying on.

He hated Naruto because it was all his fault.

Almost two months after Tsunade told him Naruto was dead there was a frantic knock on his door. It was Sakura. Sasuke hadn't seen her in years. She had avoided him, not that he minded.

"You have to come to the hospital with me."

"Why?"

"They found Naruto alive."

Sasuke took a step back. Alive, the idiot was alive. When Sakura reached out to grab him, Sasuke slammed the door in her face. He didn't want to see him. He had just gotten used to really being alone. He had finally accepted the fact that all the strange things that went on in the apartment were part of his insanity. Sasuke started to laugh.

Naruto kept him sane. Who would have thought?

That day he didn't sit at his window. He didn't open the curtain or the window. He didn't cook, or clean. He just sat on the bed. He was waiting again. And just like before he wasn't sure what he was waiting for. His hatred for Naruto grew. Naruto had ruined the routine he had created. Again Naruto had ruined his life.

He wasn't sure when he had fallen asleep. The sound of someone trying to open the door woke him. Even in the dark Sasuke could see Naruto's yellow hair. Sasuke watched Naruto close and lock the door.

"Sasuke?'

"They told me you were dead."

Sasuke heard Naruto release a breath. It gave him the impression that Naruto almost expected him not to be there. Anger started to rise up within Sasuke.

"They were wrong."

From the darkness Sasuke saw Naruto reach for the light switch. "Don't turn it on." Naruto lowered his hand. After a moments hesitation he moved to the couch.

"So, what did you do while I was gone?"

Sasuke hated that. Naruto would always brush everything aside, act like nothing was wrong and try to start a normal conversation.

"Why did you leave everything to me in your will?"

"Who else would I leave it to? You've been living with me for so long that it made sense."

Sasuke could feel the anger rising and rising. "Leave it to Kakashi, Sakura, that pervert who trained you. Anyone but me."

"Why can't I leave it to you?"

Boiling point reached, and the anger overflowed. "I hate you. I hate the way you look at me, and the way you talk to me. I hate the way you make me feel. I hate the way I'll watch the door waiting for you. I hate the fact that I don't think I can live without you."

"You hate me?"

"I hate how you'll act like everything is alright. I hate that you pretend nothing happened. I hate how you won't talk to me the way you used to. I hate how confused you make me. I hate you so much."

Sasuke watched Naruto get up and approach him. Sasuke wanted to hit him, kill him if he could. He wanted to hurt him, he wanted to hug him. He was mad at himself for being so confused, he was mad at Naruto for making him confused. He was just mad.

"I hate you too."

"Alright."

Naruto sat on the bed next to Sasuke. It was only then that Sasuke realized how thin Naruto looked. It didn't look right. Sasuke could feel Naruto's eyes looking him over. Strangely that didn't bother him. It also didn't bother him when Naruto rested his head on Sasuke's shoulder.

"Promise me."

Sasuke felt Naruto move closer to him. When he didn't answer right away, Sasuke figured it was because Naruto hadn't heard him. He was about to say it again when he heard Naruto whisper.

"Alright."


End file.
